A Pinhole of Light

I didn't go to church today. Not because I was sick, but, honestly, because I wanted to give up. I am not one to readily talk about my feelings at all. However, over these summer months, I felt my faith faltering. Doubt crept in. The dredges of utter loneliness, rejection and isolation swarmed strongly over me, my spirit and my life. I wondered what was all this talk about the plan of happiness for- if this was the plan of happiness, why was I so miserable and alone? Why did my temple marriage fail? Why wasn't I honorable enough to have a family-instead of being a lonely, washed-up now 31-year-old woman? What was the purpose of me even being alive? Many nights I asked God why didn't He just take me, since I was utterly useless on this earth. I contemplated suicide, never having the umph to really do it.

Temptations hit hard, to walk away, to start drinking and smoking, anything to dull the pain I felt, constantly gnawing and chewing on my spirit of faith. These feelings started affecting all aspects of my life. How I wished I could just float away. I just didn't see what the point of trying was anymore. I wasn't praying, reading the scriptures or anything. I hadn't been to church in weeks (mainly because of traveling) and when I went back last Sunday, it was a terrible struggle to stay. I never fit in there, but last week was especially hard. My co-worker pulled me aside at work yesterday and asked if everything was okay, my boss did too. How I wish I had someone to turn to here. A few weeks ago, I was asking a friend, a convert, if they ever missed their old life. I told them that I was planning to leave the church. They asked me a very pointed question: How would my life be better? I couldn't answer. Rationally, I know the answer is it would be the same. I would still be the same. I can't escape from myself. Oh, but how the temptations have been strong, to just stop by the state liquor store, stop by the Maverick and get some smokes- just throw it all away.

My birthday was last week and it really was hard. It's hard to come to grips with how old I am, and how little I've accomplished. How my peers have families, friends,houses, spouses- and I have nothing but an apartment full of stuff and a cat. On Friday, I went to Temple Square with a friend, and saw a movie about Joseph Smith and the restoration of the Gospel. It broke through a bit. So, today, Sunday, August 22nd, 2010, I chose not to go to church. I am too old now to go to the Young Singles ward, and my options are now to a family ward or a single adults ward. I tried to muster up courage to go to either ward, but I didn't. My heart and my soul are empty.

I rented a movie from the library on Thursday-"God's Army," about missionaries in Los Angeles. A tiny pinhole of light shown through my darkened heart. It really just hit me that I have been wrong. That I have made a mistake in thinking that I should leave the church and consequently, Christianity behind. I have been wrong- I can't give up. I have become weak, but I must continue to walk on the straight and narrow path. I have faltered, but I must stand up and keep trying for victory. While the trials of depression and loneliness constantly wrestle with me as they have my entire life, I have to keep trying-even as I continually get rejected- someday, and some place, I won't be and I will be welcomed and finally find my place in the world. I know God lives, I know Jesus Christ is the Son of God, I haven't forgotten, I just let those truths fade. Prayer is real. And if this is wrong, then what I have I lost? Nothing. But, as it is true, I will gain all.