Second Chances

I couldn't believe it. I gained nearly 20 pounds since I returned to the United States six months ago. While in Peru, I smugly thought I wouldn't be one of those people.  Yet, as I stood on a scale at a recent medical appointment, I was slapped in face with cold, hard evidence to the contrary. I stared at the scale's number, and my heart sank. I was immediately disappointed in myself.

My sporadic or half-hearted attempts for exercise and healthy eating hadn't proven effective. Sure, my lifestyle is different. I don't walk as as my main source of transportation. My diet isn't the same. I knew I was gaining weight. I chose to ignore it, like an ostrich with its head buried in the sand. It took a sobering visit on that metal scale to be confronted with just how much weight I had gained.

A hopeless wave of depression washed over me. At the same time, other difficult experiences were occurring in all aspects of my life. I felt the very bitter sting of failure. It then spread like a paralyzing lethargy through my body and spirit. Bitterness, disappointment, and failure tainted my thoughts, circling and looming around my soul and body, like dark, gray clouds.

Days passed, and the nagging internal attacks continued.

"You failed. You're fat. You're ugly. You're lazy," The voices taunted, their voices worn and thin on the popular cassette tapes of my mind.

The tape changed to a much darker, and louder message:

"You're a failure. You can't change. Give up. You're not worth it."  

That tape has had a lot of airplay in my mind during the course of my life.  It's a hard message to ignore when I look at the sum of my life.

The messages have become comfortable and believable, when faced with the hard evidence of continual heartache and disappointment.  

I try to change the tapes, but sometimes it is overwhelming.  I want to believe in second chances for myself, but the voices argue back:

"There are no second chances for you. It's impossible." 

The old cliche of "You haven't failed until you give up," floated through my mind, and I figured it was time to accept failure and give up. I would never be happy.

Then suddenly, and recently, there was an abrupt and unexpected switch in the broadcast in my mind.

A new message was starting to play, one I hadn't heard very often, almost new to me:

"You have not failed. You do get second, third, even fourth chances to start your life over."  

It was a refreshing and unexpected change in my mind's radio.

My fate is not cast in stone. I am not mired to my past experiences, decisions, or choices. Yes, I made some poor choices in my past. I have endured painful experiences. Yet, I do not have to be a slave to my past. I don't have to let my past choices or experiences forever color and alter my future.

I can change. I can start over. I felt empowered and energized. Yes! I can change. I took ownership of myself instead of moping about the failure, I accepted responsibility for my choices. Yes, I have gained weight, but I can get back on track, and change that - if I choose.  I felt ownership of my life instead of victimhood.

I started over. I've set an exercise plan. I've bundled up to go running and walking. I may look like a fool in my workout gear: a brown knitted owl hat, fuzzy black and gray scarf, zebra mittens, black wool coat, and blue pants that I have to yank up.  I probably look like a goof as I run, but it makes me feel alive. Instead of just lying in bed, as tempting as it is, I have forced myself to get up and take charge. I'm trying to take control over myself, instead of letting my past choices weigh me down from taking action.

The same is true with my very tender heart. It's been nearly six years since that tear-stained day that left me walking out of the courthouse, with official papers in my hands, that declared I was single again.

I honestly believe sometimes (okay, most of the time), that I am not worthy or deserving of a second chance for a successful relationship. I had my chance. It crumbled apart. Sometimes, it feels like letter "D" is so deeply burned into the fleshy tablets of my heart, that nobody - myself included - can see beyond that.  Maybe the "D" stands for divorced, damaged, or even dammed - depending on who you ask. Over the course of the past several years, my attempts to start over haven't worked out yet. More heartbreak, disappointment, and rejection have tried to crush my battered soul.

However,  as the new message plays in my mind, I am starting to have faith that there isn't just a one-night only opportunity for an eternal relationship. I have to believe that at some point in my mortal or even eternal journey, there will be a second chance for lasting love.

Every day is a chance to start over.  We can renew our commitments, our resolve, our faith, and our hope. It really is a daily decision. Life is just a continual series of daily choices that add up. And, just because I slipped backwards one day, doesn't mean I'm doomed forever. I start over again the next day.  Even though I have to live with consequences or outcomes, I can still chose to start over.  I can change the channel when the increasingly loud and destructive tapes slip into the airplay of my mind.

Even if I just keep a small glimmer of hope, I haven't failed. That expression about failing really is true. Failure only happens when you stop trying. So, I keep going, I keep trying, and I keep hoping.

As a wise person once said, we are not sent here to fail. We are sent here to learn and to endure. We can be made whole again. We can start over when we are ready, and as often as we need.

Happiness isn't a limited-time, today-only special served up by a sporadic deity.  I have to take chances, risks,  and keep trying, even when everything seems to conspire against me.  That's why I keep going - even when life seems impossible. I can't quit. I can't give up. I can't lose. I may stay "plump," and single, but I can still be happy and find joy in life.  Joy for me might even be defined as something as simple as swinging at the park in the cold winter air.

Life is really about second chances. Maybe, it's even about as many second chances as we need.






 

True Experiences of Life

It is quite easy to lose sight of the true experiences in this existence. Temporal belongings aren’t inherently wrong, nor should we feel we have to suffer and deny ourselves the enjoyment of a comfortable and pleasing lifestyle. However, true happiness is not found in things-but in relationships. Sure, it is fun to drive a fast car, but when that fast car wears out or when you drive it home to an empty house, what really matters then?

What are the true experiences to seek out in this life? Experience is the only thing that can not be taken away from us, we may lose our homes, our jobs, our social standing, but we can’t lose what we’ve done, where we’ve been, and who we’ve loved. The true experiences that will mean the most are the ones that we feel with every fiber of our being. Remember how your heart swelled and your stomach got weak when you had your first crush, or the bittersweet parting words to a beloved friend, the joy over acing a test, the feeling of belonging when with a group of friends on a spontaneous road trip, the crystal blue sky, so perfect it seemed like a Hollywood creation, the comfort of a parent after skinning a knee, being comfortable with where we are now, the list is endless and so personal. These are the true experiences of life, the moments where anything is possible, hope abounds and hearts are open, most often during the day-to-day life we overlook. The little moments are like a small creek directing our path towards a might river of major events, where we shape our characters and destiny through experiences in the moment.

How quickly we forget about each others as we shuffle in and out each day in perfect unison, while days , weeks, months tick by in precise routine, without stopping to examine our lives. The demands of modern western life smother us in bills, careers, taxes and responsibilities, while zapping and draining our zest for living, for breathing, for experiencing, while we slowly trade our spirits for lifeless husks of forgotten dreams. The dark monument looms to drain our enthusiasm, our wonderment, our innocence. When was the last time you swung in a swing at the park? When was the last time you colored in a coloring book? Or went to the zoo? We trade our courage, faith and hopes and dreams for trappings of adult and worldly success- big houses, fancy heels, big offices. We silence our hearts to listen to the pounding drumbeat of reason, logic and sensibility.

Before long, a life whisks by, as time often seems to move more quickly as we age, and the sum of our existence is regulated to a few terse newsprint lines in a fading newspaper with a gaggle of mourners gathered for a graveside service. Nobody then brags about diamond rings or houseboats on the lake, but the memories of a first dance as husband and wife, the annual trip up north to pick apples, or graduation day.

It is not an easy task to relearn how to listen to our hearts and be driven by focusing on the moment. Dishes will always be there, laundry will always need folding, emails will always need to be written and paperwork always will need filing. There is always going to be something trying to stop us from opportunities to do things that truly matter. Does the car really need to be washed while passing over someone else’s time of need?

Take advantage of every moment of life, and don’t let an opportunity to change course pass you by because of obligation or duty to never-ending responsibility. One small moment may be a life-saving event for someone else. At the end of your mortal journey, shall it be said of you that you regretted not spending more time at the office? Life is not meant to be a monotonous trip through drudgery. Life is meant to experience, to love, to hope and to dream, to comfort and mourn and build relationships to change not only others, but ourselves.