Second Chances

I couldn't believe it. I gained nearly 20 pounds since I returned to the United States six months ago. While in Peru, I smugly thought I wouldn't be one of those people.  Yet, as I stood on a scale at a recent medical appointment, I was slapped in face with cold, hard evidence to the contrary. I stared at the scale's number, and my heart sank. I was immediately disappointed in myself.

My sporadic or half-hearted attempts for exercise and healthy eating hadn't proven effective. Sure, my lifestyle is different. I don't walk as as my main source of transportation. My diet isn't the same. I knew I was gaining weight. I chose to ignore it, like an ostrich with its head buried in the sand. It took a sobering visit on that metal scale to be confronted with just how much weight I had gained.

A hopeless wave of depression washed over me. At the same time, other difficult experiences were occurring in all aspects of my life. I felt the very bitter sting of failure. It then spread like a paralyzing lethargy through my body and spirit. Bitterness, disappointment, and failure tainted my thoughts, circling and looming around my soul and body, like dark, gray clouds.

Days passed, and the nagging internal attacks continued.

"You failed. You're fat. You're ugly. You're lazy," The voices taunted, their voices worn and thin on the popular cassette tapes of my mind.

The tape changed to a much darker, and louder message:

"You're a failure. You can't change. Give up. You're not worth it."  

That tape has had a lot of airplay in my mind during the course of my life.  It's a hard message to ignore when I look at the sum of my life.

The messages have become comfortable and believable, when faced with the hard evidence of continual heartache and disappointment.  

I try to change the tapes, but sometimes it is overwhelming.  I want to believe in second chances for myself, but the voices argue back:

"There are no second chances for you. It's impossible." 

The old cliche of "You haven't failed until you give up," floated through my mind, and I figured it was time to accept failure and give up. I would never be happy.

Then suddenly, and recently, there was an abrupt and unexpected switch in the broadcast in my mind.

A new message was starting to play, one I hadn't heard very often, almost new to me:

"You have not failed. You do get second, third, even fourth chances to start your life over."  

It was a refreshing and unexpected change in my mind's radio.

My fate is not cast in stone. I am not mired to my past experiences, decisions, or choices. Yes, I made some poor choices in my past. I have endured painful experiences. Yet, I do not have to be a slave to my past. I don't have to let my past choices or experiences forever color and alter my future.

I can change. I can start over. I felt empowered and energized. Yes! I can change. I took ownership of myself instead of moping about the failure, I accepted responsibility for my choices. Yes, I have gained weight, but I can get back on track, and change that - if I choose.  I felt ownership of my life instead of victimhood.

I started over. I've set an exercise plan. I've bundled up to go running and walking. I may look like a fool in my workout gear: a brown knitted owl hat, fuzzy black and gray scarf, zebra mittens, black wool coat, and blue pants that I have to yank up.  I probably look like a goof as I run, but it makes me feel alive. Instead of just lying in bed, as tempting as it is, I have forced myself to get up and take charge. I'm trying to take control over myself, instead of letting my past choices weigh me down from taking action.

The same is true with my very tender heart. It's been nearly six years since that tear-stained day that left me walking out of the courthouse, with official papers in my hands, that declared I was single again.

I honestly believe sometimes (okay, most of the time), that I am not worthy or deserving of a second chance for a successful relationship. I had my chance. It crumbled apart. Sometimes, it feels like letter "D" is so deeply burned into the fleshy tablets of my heart, that nobody - myself included - can see beyond that.  Maybe the "D" stands for divorced, damaged, or even dammed - depending on who you ask. Over the course of the past several years, my attempts to start over haven't worked out yet. More heartbreak, disappointment, and rejection have tried to crush my battered soul.

However,  as the new message plays in my mind, I am starting to have faith that there isn't just a one-night only opportunity for an eternal relationship. I have to believe that at some point in my mortal or even eternal journey, there will be a second chance for lasting love.

Every day is a chance to start over.  We can renew our commitments, our resolve, our faith, and our hope. It really is a daily decision. Life is just a continual series of daily choices that add up. And, just because I slipped backwards one day, doesn't mean I'm doomed forever. I start over again the next day.  Even though I have to live with consequences or outcomes, I can still chose to start over.  I can change the channel when the increasingly loud and destructive tapes slip into the airplay of my mind.

Even if I just keep a small glimmer of hope, I haven't failed. That expression about failing really is true. Failure only happens when you stop trying. So, I keep going, I keep trying, and I keep hoping.

As a wise person once said, we are not sent here to fail. We are sent here to learn and to endure. We can be made whole again. We can start over when we are ready, and as often as we need.

Happiness isn't a limited-time, today-only special served up by a sporadic deity.  I have to take chances, risks,  and keep trying, even when everything seems to conspire against me.  That's why I keep going - even when life seems impossible. I can't quit. I can't give up. I can't lose. I may stay "plump," and single, but I can still be happy and find joy in life.  Joy for me might even be defined as something as simple as swinging at the park in the cold winter air.

Life is really about second chances. Maybe, it's even about as many second chances as we need.






 

Stay The Course

We get caught in the daily grind and forget so easily that we have a glorious “latter end” to achieve the Lord and His Son Jesus Christ.  Life often has been compared to a race or a marathon. Hopefully, we are all working towards successfully crossing the finish life of our mortal existence.  Yet, successful or not, each one of us, as mortal beings reach the same end.

Everyone finishes the race. It doesn't matter how long it takes, we all reach the same finish line. What does matter is how we get to the end of our personal course. 

Some of us will race through to the end without stopping; some of us will walk across that finish line after a long journey. Some of us will only be able to crawl across that line.

The race can be long and hard. Sometimes it’s rocky or uphill under beating sun with no rest or breaks. There are many along our paths that advertise quick and easier ways. Less stress, less guilt with more comfort they call as clear as ancient sirens. They offer us short cuts to make our progress easier.

However, experience teaches that there are no short cuts for anyplace worth going. Taking a so-called easier way can more often than not ends up poorly.  

For example, a friend, as part of a group, undertook a two-day foot trek to a nearby town. Because my friend’s group took a short cut, they got lost and the trip ended up being much longer and more dangerous. If they had stuck to the trusted and known road to the town, they would have not gotten lost or spent so much time on their journey.

Do we take short cuts on our journey on our race to the end? Do we justify straying from the race path because we’re not “really going that far off?”  However, every small or large step off the race track leads us farther and farther from the safety of the marked course.  Soon we may find ourselves out of sight of the signs and guides towards the race’s end.

When we reach our finish line, we won’t be measured by the clock ticks but by our heart’s efforts.  We will be evaluated not by the miles but by our earnest efforts.  In our journey, did we cheat? Did we quit? Did we leave the course? Did we not even try? Did we overcome our obstacles or did we let them overcome us?

Much of the time on our course towards the end, we can no longer run. We often find ourselves barely able to even do much more than crawl forward, weighed down by trials, suffering and pain. Yet, we don’t run the race alone. We have someone running by our side, our champion, cheerleader, coach and friend, Jesus Christ.  After all we can do, after our last breath is spent on our course, when we can not even put one foot in front of the other, we will be lifted and carried by our Brother, our Friend, Jesus Christ.  When we've valiantly pushed and pushed all we can, we will lifted by His hands. 

Never give up. Keep going if all you can do is inch forward.  Don’t quit moving because the pathway is too hard or you don’t see an end in sight.  The goal is real; the reward is beyond our understanding. Stay on the course.

Do not feel that you have been abandoned to run your race alone. Reach out and call upon the Lord and His Son Jesus Christ through the power of the Holy Ghost, so you may triumphantly reach the end of your course so you declare as did Timothy in New Testament, that "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith." (2 Timothy 4:7)

Life & Where it Should Be

I like to try to begin my day with scripture study. Lately, I've been reading in the Old Testament. This morning, I flipped open my bible and landed on this verse in Job: What is my strength, that I should hope? and what is mine end, that I should prolong my life?" (Job 5:11). While I certainly am nowhere comparing my life to the suffering of Job, I have often wondered why should I have hope? Where is my strength? I have cried to the Lord asking, what is my purpose? Why am I here? Is there a point to the challenges I have and am going through? Why should I keep going?

Those that know me, know that where I am now is not where I wanted to be. The disappointment still runs deep. Many years ago, I wrote a story about where I felt I'd be at this particular age and it might have been a self-fulfilling prophecy to a certain degree. Sometimes, the whirlwinds of oppression try to take over as they whisper "Give up, you'll never belong," or "You'll never good enough to be happy."

It is hard to not look at others and as the 3 Doors Down song says "lie awake and wonder, "why can't that be me?"... If I could be like that, I would have everything." Sometimes the loneliness is thick and threatens to swallow me whole. Most of the time, fear overrules confidence and I'm "screaming inside, but can't say a word."

So, as Job cries to the Lord, I do too. I get on my knees daily and ask God for the solace only He and His Son, Jesus Christ can provide. While I haven't figured out exactly what my distinct purpose is, through the comfort of the Lord, I keep going. I can never give up, I can never keep trying to find my place in the sun, where I finally belong. Through the gospel of Christ, I know that I am strong and when I meet Him at His throne, that he rejoice with me and welcome me. Through hope, I walk forward in faith, even if it means taking a few steps in darkness. Though, I have been through much, and life didn't work out like I planned, I have to believe and have faith that I am where the Lord wants me to be. How thankful I am that through it all, I am never alone when I walk with Jesus and God, and the Holy Ghost.

Weak Things to Become Strong

Through my life, I have had many trials, as most anyone sojourning through this life does. Many times, we curse God and throw our hands up into the air, exclaiming "Why has God forgotten me?", or "Why even bother trying? Why not just give up and forget this heartbreak and suffering that comes from disappointments?" It is easy to feel not good enough. We hear the luring calls of the Adversary saying "you'll never get what you want, you'll never be good enough, so just stop it and join me."

However, in scriptures, we learn the purpose of trials. In the Book of Mormon, another testament of Jesus Christ, Ether, a prophet records what the Lord has said: "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

When we turn ourselves to God, through the power of Christ, our weaknesses become parts of our firm foundation of righteousness. Furthermore, we learn that Paul, in his letter to the Corinthians, wrote:

"Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."

How can this be true? How could anyone rejoice in their weakness? How could being weak make someone strong? Paul understood the true nature of the weaknesses, because when he turned to the Lord and to Jesus Christ, he recognized that he needed divine help, and through that humility, he was strengthened to endure the trials that he would have never been able to overcome as well on his own.

In a recent episode of a popular tv show, "Ugly Betty," the main character Betty wishes she had her braces off. In a dream sequence, she does and sees how different she, her family, her co-workers, and others around her are. When she asked the "fairy godmother" about why she was so mean to others, the woman replied to the effect that the braces taught her compassion for others and when she didn't have the braces, she didn't learn to care about others.

Do we rejoice in our infirmities? Have we turned to God and asked what we should learn? When trials come our way from spilling our orange juice down our white shirt, to losing a loved one suddenly, do we curse God or pray to God for help? Do we rest upon the arm of the Lord or do we try to figure answers out on our own? When we feel inadequate and unworthy, do we turn to the Lord for support or do we shrug our shoulders and wallow in our sorrow?

I testify that in my life, now especially in hindsight, I can see that the weaknesses and sour situations that have come to me, sometimes of my own doing, some not, have made me strong. I have developed spiritually and emotionally and am filled with a calm reassurance, that no matter what happens, even if the true desires of my heart are not fully realized in this mortal plane, that I will be blessed beyond measure and can take comfort in the arms of the Savior.