Second Chances

I couldn't believe it. I gained nearly 20 pounds since I returned to the United States six months ago. While in Peru, I smugly thought I wouldn't be one of those people.  Yet, as I stood on a scale at a recent medical appointment, I was slapped in face with cold, hard evidence to the contrary. I stared at the scale's number, and my heart sank. I was immediately disappointed in myself.

My sporadic or half-hearted attempts for exercise and healthy eating hadn't proven effective. Sure, my lifestyle is different. I don't walk as as my main source of transportation. My diet isn't the same. I knew I was gaining weight. I chose to ignore it, like an ostrich with its head buried in the sand. It took a sobering visit on that metal scale to be confronted with just how much weight I had gained.

A hopeless wave of depression washed over me. At the same time, other difficult experiences were occurring in all aspects of my life. I felt the very bitter sting of failure. It then spread like a paralyzing lethargy through my body and spirit. Bitterness, disappointment, and failure tainted my thoughts, circling and looming around my soul and body, like dark, gray clouds.

Days passed, and the nagging internal attacks continued.

"You failed. You're fat. You're ugly. You're lazy," The voices taunted, their voices worn and thin on the popular cassette tapes of my mind.

The tape changed to a much darker, and louder message:

"You're a failure. You can't change. Give up. You're not worth it."  

That tape has had a lot of airplay in my mind during the course of my life.  It's a hard message to ignore when I look at the sum of my life.

The messages have become comfortable and believable, when faced with the hard evidence of continual heartache and disappointment.  

I try to change the tapes, but sometimes it is overwhelming.  I want to believe in second chances for myself, but the voices argue back:

"There are no second chances for you. It's impossible." 

The old cliche of "You haven't failed until you give up," floated through my mind, and I figured it was time to accept failure and give up. I would never be happy.

Then suddenly, and recently, there was an abrupt and unexpected switch in the broadcast in my mind.

A new message was starting to play, one I hadn't heard very often, almost new to me:

"You have not failed. You do get second, third, even fourth chances to start your life over."  

It was a refreshing and unexpected change in my mind's radio.

My fate is not cast in stone. I am not mired to my past experiences, decisions, or choices. Yes, I made some poor choices in my past. I have endured painful experiences. Yet, I do not have to be a slave to my past. I don't have to let my past choices or experiences forever color and alter my future.

I can change. I can start over. I felt empowered and energized. Yes! I can change. I took ownership of myself instead of moping about the failure, I accepted responsibility for my choices. Yes, I have gained weight, but I can get back on track, and change that - if I choose.  I felt ownership of my life instead of victimhood.

I started over. I've set an exercise plan. I've bundled up to go running and walking. I may look like a fool in my workout gear: a brown knitted owl hat, fuzzy black and gray scarf, zebra mittens, black wool coat, and blue pants that I have to yank up.  I probably look like a goof as I run, but it makes me feel alive. Instead of just lying in bed, as tempting as it is, I have forced myself to get up and take charge. I'm trying to take control over myself, instead of letting my past choices weigh me down from taking action.

The same is true with my very tender heart. It's been nearly six years since that tear-stained day that left me walking out of the courthouse, with official papers in my hands, that declared I was single again.

I honestly believe sometimes (okay, most of the time), that I am not worthy or deserving of a second chance for a successful relationship. I had my chance. It crumbled apart. Sometimes, it feels like letter "D" is so deeply burned into the fleshy tablets of my heart, that nobody - myself included - can see beyond that.  Maybe the "D" stands for divorced, damaged, or even dammed - depending on who you ask. Over the course of the past several years, my attempts to start over haven't worked out yet. More heartbreak, disappointment, and rejection have tried to crush my battered soul.

However,  as the new message plays in my mind, I am starting to have faith that there isn't just a one-night only opportunity for an eternal relationship. I have to believe that at some point in my mortal or even eternal journey, there will be a second chance for lasting love.

Every day is a chance to start over.  We can renew our commitments, our resolve, our faith, and our hope. It really is a daily decision. Life is just a continual series of daily choices that add up. And, just because I slipped backwards one day, doesn't mean I'm doomed forever. I start over again the next day.  Even though I have to live with consequences or outcomes, I can still chose to start over.  I can change the channel when the increasingly loud and destructive tapes slip into the airplay of my mind.

Even if I just keep a small glimmer of hope, I haven't failed. That expression about failing really is true. Failure only happens when you stop trying. So, I keep going, I keep trying, and I keep hoping.

As a wise person once said, we are not sent here to fail. We are sent here to learn and to endure. We can be made whole again. We can start over when we are ready, and as often as we need.

Happiness isn't a limited-time, today-only special served up by a sporadic deity.  I have to take chances, risks,  and keep trying, even when everything seems to conspire against me.  That's why I keep going - even when life seems impossible. I can't quit. I can't give up. I can't lose. I may stay "plump," and single, but I can still be happy and find joy in life.  Joy for me might even be defined as something as simple as swinging at the park in the cold winter air.

Life is really about second chances. Maybe, it's even about as many second chances as we need.






 

Stay The Course

We get caught in the daily grind and forget so easily that we have a glorious “latter end” to achieve the Lord and His Son Jesus Christ.  Life often has been compared to a race or a marathon. Hopefully, we are all working towards successfully crossing the finish life of our mortal existence.  Yet, successful or not, each one of us, as mortal beings reach the same end.

Everyone finishes the race. It doesn't matter how long it takes, we all reach the same finish line. What does matter is how we get to the end of our personal course. 

Some of us will race through to the end without stopping; some of us will walk across that finish line after a long journey. Some of us will only be able to crawl across that line.

The race can be long and hard. Sometimes it’s rocky or uphill under beating sun with no rest or breaks. There are many along our paths that advertise quick and easier ways. Less stress, less guilt with more comfort they call as clear as ancient sirens. They offer us short cuts to make our progress easier.

However, experience teaches that there are no short cuts for anyplace worth going. Taking a so-called easier way can more often than not ends up poorly.  

For example, a friend, as part of a group, undertook a two-day foot trek to a nearby town. Because my friend’s group took a short cut, they got lost and the trip ended up being much longer and more dangerous. If they had stuck to the trusted and known road to the town, they would have not gotten lost or spent so much time on their journey.

Do we take short cuts on our journey on our race to the end? Do we justify straying from the race path because we’re not “really going that far off?”  However, every small or large step off the race track leads us farther and farther from the safety of the marked course.  Soon we may find ourselves out of sight of the signs and guides towards the race’s end.

When we reach our finish line, we won’t be measured by the clock ticks but by our heart’s efforts.  We will be evaluated not by the miles but by our earnest efforts.  In our journey, did we cheat? Did we quit? Did we leave the course? Did we not even try? Did we overcome our obstacles or did we let them overcome us?

Much of the time on our course towards the end, we can no longer run. We often find ourselves barely able to even do much more than crawl forward, weighed down by trials, suffering and pain. Yet, we don’t run the race alone. We have someone running by our side, our champion, cheerleader, coach and friend, Jesus Christ.  After all we can do, after our last breath is spent on our course, when we can not even put one foot in front of the other, we will be lifted and carried by our Brother, our Friend, Jesus Christ.  When we've valiantly pushed and pushed all we can, we will lifted by His hands. 

Never give up. Keep going if all you can do is inch forward.  Don’t quit moving because the pathway is too hard or you don’t see an end in sight.  The goal is real; the reward is beyond our understanding. Stay on the course.

Do not feel that you have been abandoned to run your race alone. Reach out and call upon the Lord and His Son Jesus Christ through the power of the Holy Ghost, so you may triumphantly reach the end of your course so you declare as did Timothy in New Testament, that "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith." (2 Timothy 4:7)

Wednesday Night

Much is said about what spirituality is, or what religion is. There are so many different opinions, explanations, and counter-arguments. What would I say about this subject? I am no deep theologian, but I would simply say that I know God lives. I know that Jesus Christ is our brother and Savior. To some this may be trite or cliche, but it is true. I think often about the deep emotional and physical pain and abuse I've endured in my life, and how I managed to be where I am at now. It is not by me alone, but by God's watchful care and Jesus' tender mercies. The spirit has reached through the hardened and decayed walls of my wooden heart, to witness to me, the truth of these things. God knows me and I can turn to Him in complete fidelity and trust. He is always there and never mocking. After all I can do, He is there to make the difference. Call it cliche, but how else can I explain how I feel? This is my truth that I have earned the right to call my own.

Sincere Prayer: Lessons from The Movies

Recently, I watched a classic movie, "The Wrong Man," starring Henry Fonda, in the true story of a man convicted of a series of robberies. Directed by Hitchcock in 1956, it was an interesting turn into the world of so-called justice not only as a study in time, but with modern- day applications.

One of the interesting yet small themes in the movie was the concept of prayer. Fonda, as Manny Balestrero, was a religious man. The movie didn't indicate how devoted or faithful he was. Perhaps he was like many of us, mindful of the duties and responsibilities, but maybe just going through the motions. As his story unfolds, his prayers for relief, for deliverance aren't seemingly met. When everything seems to be going wrong against him, like a '50s Job, his mother asks him if he is praying, and reminds him to turn to sincere prayer. The next scene shows Balestero (Fonda) fixed on a picture of Jesus and he begins to really pray, beyond the perfunctory "please give me" prayer, but a deep and meaningful conversation with God. Without detailing anything that happens after or giving away any spoilers, just suffice it to say, that things take an interesting turn after his true and honest prayer. What made this time any different than the long, drawn-out pain and agony Balestero and his family had suffered up to this point? Two things, in my opinion, can be learned from this. First, we don't always understand the reason and timing of the Lord's plan for us. Secondly, we need to develop a true relationship with God, conversing our true feelings and thoughts. It is scary to be vulnerable, but with sincere prayer and honest faith, miracles are possible. Nothing is impossible for the Lord and we will be amazed at what He can do for us when we turn to Him.

Psalms 6:9
The Lord hath heard my supplication; the Lord will receive my prayer.

Alma 34:27
...Let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.

A Pinhole of Light

I didn't go to church today. Not because I was sick, but, honestly, because I wanted to give up. I am not one to readily talk about my feelings at all. However, over these summer months, I felt my faith faltering. Doubt crept in. The dredges of utter loneliness, rejection and isolation swarmed strongly over me, my spirit and my life. I wondered what was all this talk about the plan of happiness for- if this was the plan of happiness, why was I so miserable and alone? Why did my temple marriage fail? Why wasn't I honorable enough to have a family-instead of being a lonely, washed-up now 31-year-old woman? What was the purpose of me even being alive? Many nights I asked God why didn't He just take me, since I was utterly useless on this earth. I contemplated suicide, never having the umph to really do it.

Temptations hit hard, to walk away, to start drinking and smoking, anything to dull the pain I felt, constantly gnawing and chewing on my spirit of faith. These feelings started affecting all aspects of my life. How I wished I could just float away. I just didn't see what the point of trying was anymore. I wasn't praying, reading the scriptures or anything. I hadn't been to church in weeks (mainly because of traveling) and when I went back last Sunday, it was a terrible struggle to stay. I never fit in there, but last week was especially hard. My co-worker pulled me aside at work yesterday and asked if everything was okay, my boss did too. How I wish I had someone to turn to here. A few weeks ago, I was asking a friend, a convert, if they ever missed their old life. I told them that I was planning to leave the church. They asked me a very pointed question: How would my life be better? I couldn't answer. Rationally, I know the answer is it would be the same. I would still be the same. I can't escape from myself. Oh, but how the temptations have been strong, to just stop by the state liquor store, stop by the Maverick and get some smokes- just throw it all away.

My birthday was last week and it really was hard. It's hard to come to grips with how old I am, and how little I've accomplished. How my peers have families, friends,houses, spouses- and I have nothing but an apartment full of stuff and a cat. On Friday, I went to Temple Square with a friend, and saw a movie about Joseph Smith and the restoration of the Gospel. It broke through a bit. So, today, Sunday, August 22nd, 2010, I chose not to go to church. I am too old now to go to the Young Singles ward, and my options are now to a family ward or a single adults ward. I tried to muster up courage to go to either ward, but I didn't. My heart and my soul are empty.

I rented a movie from the library on Thursday-"God's Army," about missionaries in Los Angeles. A tiny pinhole of light shown through my darkened heart. It really just hit me that I have been wrong. That I have made a mistake in thinking that I should leave the church and consequently, Christianity behind. I have been wrong- I can't give up. I have become weak, but I must continue to walk on the straight and narrow path. I have faltered, but I must stand up and keep trying for victory. While the trials of depression and loneliness constantly wrestle with me as they have my entire life, I have to keep trying-even as I continually get rejected- someday, and some place, I won't be and I will be welcomed and finally find my place in the world. I know God lives, I know Jesus Christ is the Son of God, I haven't forgotten, I just let those truths fade. Prayer is real. And if this is wrong, then what I have I lost? Nothing. But, as it is true, I will gain all.

Life & Where it Should Be

I like to try to begin my day with scripture study. Lately, I've been reading in the Old Testament. This morning, I flipped open my bible and landed on this verse in Job: What is my strength, that I should hope? and what is mine end, that I should prolong my life?" (Job 5:11). While I certainly am nowhere comparing my life to the suffering of Job, I have often wondered why should I have hope? Where is my strength? I have cried to the Lord asking, what is my purpose? Why am I here? Is there a point to the challenges I have and am going through? Why should I keep going?

Those that know me, know that where I am now is not where I wanted to be. The disappointment still runs deep. Many years ago, I wrote a story about where I felt I'd be at this particular age and it might have been a self-fulfilling prophecy to a certain degree. Sometimes, the whirlwinds of oppression try to take over as they whisper "Give up, you'll never belong," or "You'll never good enough to be happy."

It is hard to not look at others and as the 3 Doors Down song says "lie awake and wonder, "why can't that be me?"... If I could be like that, I would have everything." Sometimes the loneliness is thick and threatens to swallow me whole. Most of the time, fear overrules confidence and I'm "screaming inside, but can't say a word."

So, as Job cries to the Lord, I do too. I get on my knees daily and ask God for the solace only He and His Son, Jesus Christ can provide. While I haven't figured out exactly what my distinct purpose is, through the comfort of the Lord, I keep going. I can never give up, I can never keep trying to find my place in the sun, where I finally belong. Through the gospel of Christ, I know that I am strong and when I meet Him at His throne, that he rejoice with me and welcome me. Through hope, I walk forward in faith, even if it means taking a few steps in darkness. Though, I have been through much, and life didn't work out like I planned, I have to believe and have faith that I am where the Lord wants me to be. How thankful I am that through it all, I am never alone when I walk with Jesus and God, and the Holy Ghost.